Don of the Slums
by MercuryGold
Summary: What would you do if you had to dress up like a girl? Well, that's what Cloud goes through, and when you're faced with a homosexual Don of the Slums, there's nothing you can do to get out of it. POINTLESS ONESHOT


**Don of the Slums**

**Well, I just thought that maybe it's be cool to take a little break from my other stories, and be a little, what do you call it? Oh yes. _Humorous_. I'm not sure if it'll work out for any of you (or even myself for that matter), but I was bored... So here goes! And thus I begin what I like to call: 'The Warning'.**

**"What follows is a poor excuse of my try at a humour fic, and I'm not even sure if it's funny or not. Wierd, maybe. Funny, probably not. Let it be known. _I did this as an 'experiment'_! I won't be held responsible for people crying tears of pain (because of how stupid this is), people going blind, or even trying to take their own eyes out. I won't be held responsible. But if you must, flame away... There's nothing I can do if you do that, right? Anyway, go ahead. You have been warned." (Eyes can not be returned.)**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Final Fantasy 7, or any of the characters associated with the game. They all belong to SquareSoft, SquareEnix (whatever the company is called... Is it just me, or did they change their name?). Yes, that is it, now go ahead and prepare your eyes for weeping (Not from laughter).

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"I can't believe you talked my into this..." Cloud grumbled. He stumbled on a rock, and cursed silently. "Dammit, how do you walk in these things?"

Aerith giggled. "It's not that bad!"

He shot her a glare. "_You're _not the one being humiliated by dressing up like a girl!"

She laughed again. "That's true. But it's the only way to get into the mansion. And you don't want anything to happen to Tifa, now do you?"

He fell silent at the name, and readjusted his wig. "I-I guess..." He gave himself a look over. "But this is still stupid."

Aerith gave him a look. He was wearing a wig that fitted on his head perfectly, and had little braids sticking out from underneath.His dress was a silky material, which was dyed a shimmering purple, with a red sash tied around his waist. He was currently wearing a pair of red shoes, which weren't all too high, but being a guy made it harder to walk in them none the less.

"You don't look that bad!" she smiled. She reached forward and swept a strand of hair which had flopped onver his eye. "Well... something has to be done about that scowl on your face. And you're walking all wrong. Girls flow in their steps."

She did an example by taking long strides in her steps. "See, like that!"

He gave her a disgusted look. "You've got to be kidding. No girl walks like that!"

"That's because you've never seen a girl walk in high heels. You're trying to walk as though you were still in your boots!"

"It's the way I _always_ walk!" he protested.

"I know that!" Aerith said a little irritated. "And it'd be okay! If you were dressed up like a _guy_!"

"I _am _a guy...!" he grumbled.

"That's not the point!" she said. Sighing, she pulled on his hand. "Come on. Just follow my example."

"I'm not doing it."

"Don't you want to help Tifa?"

"..."

"I thought so. Now, c'mon! Just do what I do."

"Stupid Aerith and her manipulative ways..." he muttered.

"What was that?"

"...Nothing."

"Alright, now do what I do!"

She took a step forward, toe first and heel after(1). She did this for 10 steps, and then turned. "Now your turn."

Gurmbling, he took a step forward, trying to imitate what Aerith had done. He did so successfully for a few steps, and then stopped.

"See!" Aerith said excitedly. "It's really easy! Just remember to walk flowy."

"I heard you the first time." Cloud said angrily. Taking a step forward, his foot caught onto a rock, and he fell straight on his face. "...!"

"Cloud!" she cried, rushing forward with amazing speed despite being on high heels. "No! You're not supposed to it like that! You're only supposed to fall to get men to notice you!"

Glaring from the ground, he muttered, "I hate women."

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Still stumbling, miraciously, Cloud managed to make it to the mansion; although Aerith was still displeased with his walking and acting. The mansion was brightly lit, with laterns swaying in the faint breeze. The doors were decorated fancily, and brightly lit with white lights. A large man stood by the door, giving them a hard look as Aerith and Cloud walked up to him.

"And you are...?' he asked, lifting an eyesbrow.

Aerith cleared her throat. "We're here to visit Don Corneo. I think he's expecting us...?" She montioned towards Cloud, who stiffened when the man glanced at him.

"I can see that." His eyes scanned hungrily up Cloud's body "But we don't allow weapons into the mansion. For the safety of the other girls and the Don."

Cloud looked a little surprised when the guard held out a hand. "If you'd just give that to me. I'll be glad to hold it for you and give it back to you whenever you leave."

He gave him a glare. "I'm not giving my sword to a guy like _you_...!"

The guard gave him a strange look. Noticing his mistake, Cloud tried his best impression of a defenseless woman. _I'm going to kill Aerith for this... _

Taking a step forward, he trailed a finger down the guard's chest, while blinking innocently up at him. "Now, why would a guard like you ask a weak frail woman like me to give up my weapon...? This place is dangerous, and you wouldn't want someone like me to wander around defenseless?"

He gulped, and nodded dumbly. "Why, of course." His face split into a toothy grin. "How cruel of me! Go right ahead!" He opened the door with a click, and watched as the two girls walked in. Aerith turned and blew him a kiss. "Thank you!"

_Now _there's _a girl worthy of the wonderful- and may I mention- beautiful, Daniel1 If only that girl with the blonde hair didn't have to be interested in the Don..._

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They both entered into a beautifully lit mansion, which was currently empty. Aerith turned to Cloud in the moment they had alone and whispered excitedly, "That was great!" She took his hands in hers and shook them hurriedly. "I couldn't have done better! And to think that that guy actually thought you were a girl!"

"It was so I could get my sword in here. Otherwise, we'd be defenseless." He said bluntly. Taking his hands away carefully, he muttered, "Now, let's find Tifa."

They continued a little deeper, and they found another door blocking their path. Aerith pushed on it, finding it heavy and locked. "It's locked."

"Not for long." He pulled out his sword, and prepared to cut right through the door. "Get back." Aerith nodded, and stepped back a little. Cloud flexed his fist on the sword, and got into his usual stance. He was about to lunge forward, when a voice called out.

"Excuse me, but what are you doing?"

Stumbling, Cloud tripped on his heel, and fell forward on his face. His sword fell with a clang, and his forehead slammed itno the door.

"Clo-!" Aerith stopped herself before stepping foward. "I mean... Claude! Are you alright?" She kneeled beside Cloud, who was currently muttering curses and rubbing his forehead. He glared at Aerith, who smiled in relief. "Thank goodness you're okay Claude!"

"Are you alright Miss?" asked a tall man in a suit. He came forward as well, and helped Aerith pull Cloud to his feet.

Grumbling, and brushing his clothes off, Cloud snapped, "I'm fine! Get your hands off me!" He took a step forward but forgot that his heel had broken, and tripped once again. He yelped slightly, and found himself in the arms of the tall man.

"You must be dizzy from hitting your head on the door." the tall man commented. "If you'll follow me, we'll get you some bandages."

"I told you, I'm alright!" Cloud said angrily, and attempting to rip the man's arms away from him. "Leggo!"

He nodded, and allowed a flustered Cloud to arrange his composure. "Well, I believe both of you are here to see the Don, right?" He turned to Cloud. "Your name was... Claude?" Cloud glared at Aerith who grinned innocently. "And you are?"

"I'm Aerith." Aerith said, bowing. "Nice to meet you."

He smiled back. "Well, you're certainly friendlier than your friend here."

"What are you saying!" Cloud shouted. Aerith thrust her elbow in his stomach, jerking a yelp from him. The tall man looked at them strangely. Cloud corrected himself, by making his voice as soft as possible, "I mean, I'm sorry. I'm not myself right now. You know how it is at this time of the mon-"

"That'll be quite enough." the tall man interrupted, clearly embarrassed. "If you come with me, I'll take you to meet the Don."

They nodded, and followed him, but only after Cloud had grabbed his sword. The tall man gave the sword a nervous look, but didn't say anything about it; obviously he was afraid to set Cloud off.

He led them down the hall, and they came to another very large door, which was obviously the place where they would be meeting the Don. He unlocked the door, and turned to them when it opened with a click. "The Don id right through these doors." He walked past them, stopped and then turned. "And be careful with that sword of your's... Claude. The Don gets nervous when sharp objects are near his... Well, I think you know what I'm talking about."

Aerith nodded understanding, while Cloud smirked. _All the easier to get the information we need to get out of him._

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They both walked into the room, and could smell the sweet incese that drifted in clouds above their head. Despite the fact that it smelled nice it was suffocting, and both of them choked; apprantly the Don loved the smell of it.

Cloud immdiately began to scan the room, looking for the familiar choclate hair, and finally spotted Tifa standing in front of a desk. He was about to call out to her, when the door behind the desk burst open.

"Ho ho ho!" laughed a highly fat sounding voice. The owner of the voice walked out, laughing. His suit was nearly bursting with all the weight it had to carry, and he had a double chin. A small tuft of hair- obviously fake -crowned his head, and his ankles seemed to bulge from his shoes. "Well, what do we have here?"

He jumped, with some difficulty, onto the desk, and stared hungrily at Aerith, Tifa and Cloud's bodies. "Oh my! 3 beautiful women seeking the pleasure of the Don! How nice!"

He jumped off, and hurried towards Aerith and Cloud. He pushed them forward so that they could stand in a line. A vein popped on Cloud's head when he felt the Don's hand slink its way down his back. His hand balled into a fist, but stopped when he remembered they were supposed to seduce this guy.

Lining them up, he gave another laugh, and went towards his desk again. "Now, let's get a good look at all of you!" He stared at all of them, taking in their looks and body, and then gave a small pout. "This is going to be difficult! You're all so beautiful!"

He smiled again and then pointed at Cloud. "But I think you'll be the one I'll choose! After all, you didn't say anything when I got a little touchy feely, now did you?"

Gritting his teeth, realization suddenly hit Cloud. "Wha... WHAT!"

The Don clapped his hands, and jumped behind Cloud. He pushed him through the door, while Cloud panicked inside. He turned when he pushed Cloud into his room, and waved towards the men who were standing by the door.

"Take those two to the room. I think my men will be happy enough to see them!"

His hand snaked its way to Cloud's sword, as he unstrapped it and held it with some difficulty to one of the other men standing by the door. "Please put this away. It'll get in the way."

Closing the door, the Don leaned against it, trying to look sexy. Cloud gagged, turning his face away. His hands clenched on his knees, as he tried to calm himself down. Afterall, how can he seduce him if he's nervous; but you have to remember, this is a guy we're talking about.

The bed sagged under the Don's immense weight as he sat down beside Cloud. He sneaked closer to him, so that both of their hips were hitting each other. Cloud moved over a little, still stiff with panic. The Don came closer, and placed a chubby hand on Cloud's hand.

"So my preeeeeeeeeeetty..." he slurred the word, licking his teeth.

_Oh my God... _Cloud's mind screamed.

"What's your name?" he asked, smiling.

Cloud looked away, a vein still popping on his head as the Don's hand tightened on his own smaller hand. The Don pouted. "Come now, why won't someone like you be attracted to me?"

_Maybe because you could crush half of your clients...? _Cloud bit his tongue to keep from saying what he thought.

The Don leaned towards him, his lips grazing Cloud's cheek. Anger flowed through his veins. "Wha-! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

The Don pressed his body against Cloud's, and the weight became too much as they both collapsed onto the bed. The Don breathed on his neck, and muttered, "So you want to have some fun too."

_This guy actually thinks I'm a woman! _Cloud laughed nervously, and wracked through his thoughts for a way to get out of this. And there was only one thing that he could say that would get him out of this.

"What..." Cloud took a deep breath. "What if I told you I was a guy!"

The Don's eyes widened, and he stared into Cloud's sharp blue eyes. "What did you say?"

"I said I'm a guy!" Cloud shouted, trying to unsuccessfully to push him off. "Now get off of me!"

The Don suddenly grinned hungrily. "That's even better!"

Cloud gave a yelp as the Don proceeded to try and kiss him. "GAH! NO! GET OFF OF ME!"

The door burst open with a bang, and he heard Tifa's voice fill the room. "CLOUD! DID YOU GET ANY INFORMA... tion..."

Silence suddenly took hold of Tifa as her voice trailed off. Cloud looked up from behind the Don's large arm, and he gave a laugh of relief, which wavered from a little bit of shock. "Tifa...! Aerith...! What... a surprise...!"

Aerith snorted from behind Tifa, and suddenly burst into laughter. Tifa burst into laughter as well, and held her stomach as she kept laughing and laughing. Aerith tried to stifle her laughter by using her hand, but since she was balancing Cloud's large sword in her arms it was a little difficult to do so.

Tifa turned to Aerith, while wiping the tears from her eyes. "I can't _wait _to tell Barret about this!"

Aerith giggled.

"JUST GET THIS OAF OFF OF ME AND GIVE ME MY SWORD!" Cloud shouted from beneath the Don.

The Don smiled. "Oh, are they here for the fun too?"

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**Well, there you go. As I said above, this is not funny what so ever so there's nothing you can do to take this away from your memory no? Now go ahead and say whatever you want. Oh, and there may be a few mistakes (So I don't want any people coming to me about there being mistakes) because I obviously didn't want to go back and read it over again, and I didn't want to bother my beta-reader with another story. **

**Afterall, I've already sent her the next chapter to my other story. (Imagine how you'd feel with 2 stories to read, neh?) Anyway, I guess I'll see you all later.**

**MG**


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